In a way, I have no idea why I'm posting this fic. I'd been meaning to write something funnier on the topic of switching fangirly boyfriends (from David Tennant to Aaron Paul), and just couldn't quite come up with something that's right by my standards. But this is the best I could do, so I'll give it a whirl. It's totally stupid and may not be funny at all. At least I can say I tried :P
Title: Inside kitty's head: Changing of the Guard
Plot: Out with the old (DT), and in with the new (AP) at the cesspool otherwise known as kitty's head. There's a few teething problems.
Warnings: There's a little bit of jumper-punching, bad in-house humour, and a Jim Carrey reference. None of this is factual on any level at all whatsoever, or is reflective of my RL views on the actors in question. It's just nuts, frankly. NUTS.
DT hands the removal guy his final box to take out to the truck, and peers around the lounge room, now an empty space. He sighs. The sound of a car squealing outside draws his attention to the street. A shiny maroon Mustang had pulled up behind the removalist’s van. Its driver, a youngish blonde-haired man, perhaps in his twenties, eases himself out of the seat, shutting the door. Taking off his black-framed Wayfarers, he looks at DT, blinking and squinting, before proceeding towards the house.
AP: Is this kitty’s head?
DT: Why yes, yes it is. *smiles a little too hard, comes across as rather fake* And you are?
AP: *jiggles keys, smiles back genuinely* The new tenant. Didn’t kitty tell you I was coming?
DT: Erm...no actually, she didn’t.
AP: Uh, okay. *offers hand* I’m Aaron. You must be David?
DT: *scratches back of head nervously before shaking hands* Indeed I am.
AP: I’m pleased to finally meet you. Kitty’s told me a lot about you.
DT: Oh really? *laughs even more nervously* Nothing bad I hope?
AP: No, of course not. *smirks impishly* So you’re an actor too, I hear?
DT: I certainly am. I was going to say, you do look kind of familiar.
AP: I guess I’ve been in some well-known TV shows.
DT: Anything recent?
AP: There’s ‘Big Love’...and ‘Breaking Bad’.
DT: That’s it! *waves finger at AP* Breaking Bad! You’re...oh my.
AP: *gazes startlingly wide-eyed* I’m what?
DT: Oh, never mind. *grins cooly* Now, where are my manners--I should be giving you a tour of the house...
AP: No worries--kitty already showed me the place while you were away in London.
DT: *raises brows* Really? Did she now?
AP: Yeah. *chuckles quietly* It’s funny, while we were checking out the kitchen, kitty was telling me how she only got around to watching ‘Breaking Bad’ when she did after hearing an interview with you where you recommended the show. I suppose I should thank you for being here now...
DT: Taking my place.
AP: And about time too.
*they glare at each other for an inordinate amount of time, neither flinching so much as an inch*
DT: I’m not so sure about the whole designer skinny jeans and flannelette shirt look you have going. *idly waves at AP’s attire* To me, it just screams ‘pretentious twat’.
AP: Hey, at least I have the dignity of dating people my own age, as opposed to my on-screen daughter. To me, that just screams ‘midlife crisis’.
DT: Doesn’t your character get beaten up all the time? I bet fangirls only like you because they feel sorry for you, and want to make you all better, poor baby! *pouts mockingly*
AP: Hah, better that than the infamy of being a cheap British version of Jim Carrey.
DT: *bug-eyed, suddenly grabs AP by the shirt collar and shakes him* I AM NOT CHEAP!
AP: *struggles, swipes at DT’s head* AND I AM NOT A TWAT!
DT: Kitty’s been bitching about me, hasn’t she? HASN’T SHE?! *stops shaking AP*
AP: *eyes grow narrow* Maybe. Why do you care?
DT: I thought she was better than that.
AP: Wow, ye of little faith! No wonder she dumped you.
*DT frowns, releases grip on AP’s collar, AP pushes him away, smoothing at his shirt*
AP: Truth hurts, doesn’t it?
DT: You seem to enjoy rubbing my face in it, that’s for sure.
AP: Don’t take it so personally. It’s not as if I hate you.
DT: You just want me out of the picture as soon as possible, I know. Although I’m afraid it’s not that simple. You see, kitty and I share a fair bit of history together, so we’ll still be very much friends.
AP: Not on my watch.
DT: Ah, then we’ll have to agree to disagree there. Somehow I don’t see that as your decision to really make. But I’d best be off now. Good luck with moving in.
AP: *mock salutes* Same to you.
DT: Also, for kitty’s sake, let’s pretend this exchange never took place. *taps nose*
AP: I’ve never met you before in my life.
DT: *pats AP’s shoulder* There’s a good lad.
AP: I’m 31, man, not 12.
DT: Fabulous! You might be a keeper after all. *winks*
AP places his hands on his hips, watching DT wander over to his car and drive away in utter astonishment. Once DT vanishes out the street, AP pulls out his iPhone from his pocket and rings kitty, closing the front door behind him.
TO BE CONTINUED...